satisfied New yr! 2016 was … smartly, we will no longer soon put out of your mind it. Brexit; Trump; the Grim Reaper’s famous person killing spree; and, on the upside, a lot of exceptional tech achievements and breakthroughs. but the Jons should not about that. The Jons, an annual award named (in an awe-inspiring fit of humility) after myself, go to tech’s more dubious achievers. And hoo boy have been there a number of these this 12 months.
And so, without a further ado: the 2d annual Jon Awards For dubious Technical fulfillment!
THE yes there may be such a thing AS bad PUBLICITY AWARD FOR SPONTANEOUS model COMBUSTION
To Samsung, whose Galaxy note 7 phablet was referred to as out via name sooner than every single flight I took for months, for fear that one would explode and kill us all. You’d suppose you couldn’t even pay for such publicity. turns out which you can, however it’ll price you virtually $ 20 billion.
THE GRINCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS AWARD FOR reality DISTORTION box DISRUPTION
To that nasty John Carreyrou, who simply wouldn’t cease picking on poor victimized Theranos, which, as a direct result, is now mainly useless. Doesn’t he recognize that actuality doesn’t matter any further in our post-factual world? They believed their know-how labored. Or, I mean, as a minimum they hoped it did. Or would. someday. Shouldn’t that be all that issues? It’s most effective blood assessments, in the end.
THE MINISTRY OF PEACE AWARD FOR lack of knowledge IS potential
To Julian Assange, for his transition from a self-proclaimed “we open governments” anti-authoritarian crusader to the (determine)head of an organization that literally reposts Russian press releases. O Julian, Julian, wherefore artwork thou, Julian?
THE YOU DON’T recognize JACK AWARD FOR untimely forced OBSOLESCENCE
To Apple, after all, for eliminating the headphone jack from the iPhone; killing MagSafe in choose of USB-C on new MacBooks; and then refusing to supply any other ports on those MacBooks, which means that, remarkably, that in case you go to an Apple store and buy a new iPhone and a new MacBook, you can’t plug the previous directly into the latter.
THE DIE rattling YOU WHY received’T YOU DIE FREDDY JASON TERMINATOR AWARD FOR PIGHEADEDLY continuing TO EXIST
To Bitcoin, which has been said useless extra occasions than Michael Myers, and but someway nonetheless retains lumbering alongside, slowly, crudely, and apparently unstoppably.
THE BROGAN BAMBROGAN AWARD FOR BEING BROGAN BAMBROGAN within the BROGAN BAMBROGAN SCANDAL
This story had all the allegations: a hangman’s noose! A VC tripling the cash of a PR rep after beginning to date her! The sacrifice of serious technology on the altars of marketing and self-promoting! Counter-allegations of toxic misconduct and abusive behavior! unfortunately, the complaints have been settled without trial. but nonetheless. Brogan BamBrogan!
THE PAY NO attention TO the man at the back of THE BLOCKCHAIN! AWARD FOR CONNING THE TECHNICALLY INEPT
To Craig Wright, for in short 1/2-convincing people who should have identified better that he’s “Satoshi Nakamoti,” Bitcoin’s creator (he isn’t) and frightening this extremely long, incredibly credulous, extremely cringeworthy London evaluate Of Books piece by using someone who’s naturally by no means written a line of code in his life. Don’t read it: read Sarah Jeong’s hilariously barbed Twitter takedown of it.
THE however actually, what is reality in any case AWARD FOR RESPONDING TO fake news WITH ONTOLOGICAL DEFIANCE
To facebook’s PR crew, who, determined to disavow any duty for well-liked American perception in so so a lot ludicrous bullshit, actually requested a journalist that:
https://mobile.twitter.com/nelliebowles/status/798655906904870912
THE YOU seemed like AN fool EVEN earlier than YOU added THE word CYBER AWARD FOR belief IN CYBER BOOGEYMEN underneath THE CYBER mattress
To the San Bernardino District attorney’s workplace, for claiming that the infamous iPhone 5c used by mass assassin Syed Farook needed to be unlocked for worry that it contained a “mendacity-dormant cyber pathogen” that might attack American infrastructure.
the only NINETY extra MAGIKARP to go sooner than i will be able to EVOLVE A GYARADOS AWARD FOR in short DIVORCING WHAT FELT LIKE 1/2 THE PLANET FROM fact IN prefer OF digital JACKBOOTED EXPLOITATION
To Pokémon Go, after all, the release of which triggered many millions to stampede thru cities in search of to ambush and brutally imprison helpless, harmless digital creatures who, after being forced to savagely fight one another in vicious Thunderdome-like arenas, are indirectly transferred to a mysterious “professor” who will no doubt perform unspeakable experiments on them. All of which is certainly laying the cultural groundwork for the autocracies to return. battle the fascism! (And kindly disregard the fact that I’m midway via level 24 myself, and have developed at least one Gyarados.)
THE in the event you maintain WIPING at least a few of THAT EGG would possibly COME OFF YOUR FACE AWARD FOR delight GOING prior to an extraordinarily HUMPTY-DUMPTY-LIKE FALL
To the creators and traders in “The DAO,” who put $ a hundred and fifty million into a “disbursed self reliant group” constructed atop Ethereum’s blockchain, amid so much fanfare and claims of inviolable, unstoppable instrument. After the DAO was once (as I warned) hacked and its cash siphoned out, although, it was outstanding how fast the very same individuals who unless then had trumpeted “irrefutable pc code … not influenced by way of outside forces … no longer managed with the aid of its creators” switched to calling for the intervention of creators and out of doors forces to restore the damage due to the code. so much for the courage of 1’s convictions!
the safety through no longer LETTING THE LEFT HAND recognize WHAT the suitable HAND IS DOING AWARD FOR preserving YOUR customers MAXIMALLY hazardous
To Yahoo!, who didn’t just discover this yr that they’d suffered two separate userinfo hacks, one for half of a thousand million users and one for a whole cool B; they additionally put in a not-unlike-a-rootkit tool to scan incoming emails at the NSA’s behest — which would be unhealthy sufficient — however highest of all, they it appears did this with out telling their security team. Wow.
Congratulations, of a kind, to the winners of the Jons! All recipients shall receive a bobblehead of myself made up as a Blue Man, as per the image on this submit,1 so we can no doubt grow to be coveted and increasingly more treasured collectibles. And, after all, all winners might be remembered via posterity forevermore.
1Bobbleheads shall simplest be distributed if and when on hand and convenient. The eventual existence of said bobbleheads isn’t assured or indeed even in particular seemingly. not valid on days named after Norse or Roman gods.
https://tctechcrunch2011.recordsdata.wordpress.com/2016/12/blue-referee.jpg?w=210&h=158&crop=1
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